Thursday, August 11, 2011

Ending at the Beginning

In a few short weeks it will all be over.  Something new and wonderful will begin, but this, what has been for 5 years, will end.  On some of my longest days, I thought this day would never come and on the more frequent amazingly blissful days I knew the end of this time would be oh so difficult.  In a few short weeks the bulk of my days that were once filled with diapers and tummy time, Play-doh and paint, story times and play dates, will now be empty.  In a few short weeks Addison will enter kindergarten.

She is ready.  She is ready to learn and explore and grow.  She is ready to make new friends, talk with new people and share her days with her peers. 

For her, my excitement is overflowing.  She too is excited…in her own apprehensive, “I’ll find out for myself”, kind of way.  Obviously and thankfully, the depth of her understanding does not reach to my reflective state, but she still does understand that this is a really big deal.  She has asked me what I will do while she is at school, who will I eat lunch with (insert my own sob), and does recognize that it is a “really long time” to be apart.  As much as I want to respond with an “EXACTLTY!!”… I reassure her that I will be so busy and she will be having so much fun that her days will fly by, and then I remind her (and myself) that I get to pick her up from school every day and share our own “special” time together then.  I am not sure either of us is buying it. 

For me, well, my excitement is less than overflowing.  Yes, I will find ways to fill the space of time with temporary work and/or volunteering, as we continue to wait for another little soul to join our lives.   But the space of Addison’s absence will certainly be harder to fill.  For years she has been by side, literally, day in and day out.  She has been my little buddy (even on the days that having a little buddy was less than ideal) talking, playing, teaching, helping, slowing me down, making me laugh and helping me earn my title as a stay-at-home mom. 
I know, despite my recent “feeling hopeless” post, that we will have more children and that I will stay home and take care of him/her/them and have long days and blissful days…but I will never have again what I have had with Addison.  I had her to myself for 5 years. 

We have packed this summer full of fun, friends and family and in the next few weeks we will ride out the end of this period with continued celebration, time together and much, much fun.

Then on that first day, back pack full of supplies, lunch oh so carefully packed I will walk her up the stairs of a school that seems impossibly ginormous.  I will smile and show every bit of excitement I am feeling for her.  I will hug her and kiss her and tell her to have a great day.  I will turn around walk out that door and sob my eyes out.

What I will know when I get myself together on that day, and what I already know now, is that she is ready.  We are ready.  This is not about me, this is about Addison.  The world is about to open up for her and watching her become the person that she will be in that world will be a joy greater than we can imagine.

Now let’s just hope that I can actually make it out the door before the sobbing begins!

To my little "almost" kindergartner...sweet beginnings in your new world that awaits you.


  1. Crying over here after reading your post... I'll be sobbing too that day. Where did the past five years go??? They are big, beautiful, loving girls with so much to offer and the world awaits them. It is just so hard to share them! We will all make it through that day somehow and each day will get easier. At least that is what my mental mantra is right now! Amazing still that 5 years have already come and gone. Just like that.

  2. Beautiful post! You capture everything we mom's feel perfectly. I am misty just thinking about that day because it will forever be one of those truly memorable moments of childhood. I'd like to say sending them off to college is easier, but I'd be lying. Ying/yang moments are the most difficult to cope with as a parent.

  3. I am already crying, kayla will be going to college in less than 3 years. Where did time go? I continually remind myself that they are not ours forever. Our job is to prepare them for the world, so they can share all the good and right things we have taught them. Whether we're ready or not, they grow up! Wait until the first kindergarten play/ I cried like a baby seeing Kayla in a pilgrim hat. Have your cry and when you see how excited she is to have a whole new world you will smile:) Loves/Hugs WBLAC