It was a Monday and Audrey had a doctor’s appointment. We got the call that the docs decided it was
time to induce her. She was scared,
really, really scared. Balancing
emotions of joy and sorrow became a tall and difficult task for all of us. I was protective of Audrey, guarding my own heart,
and listening to my head scream, Yes, YES, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! We were all scared, but we were ready.
We arrived at the hospital late in the evening. Audrey had created a hospital plan in the
previous weeks, but we quickly saw that things were not going to flow according
to any sort of “plan”. Audrey had asked
that we come to her room when we arrived at the hospital. She said she wanted us to meet more of her
family. Heart pounding, I knocked gently
on the door. Her aunt answered and we
were immediately embraced by a sea of Audrey’s family. There
were 7 relatives in the room…we made introductions, exchanged hugs, gifts were shared…they
accepted us, welcomed us but most importantly, supported Audrey and her
decision to choose adoption.
The medical process began.
First step…heart monitor. Heart
beats are significant to me, as it has been twice for me that a deafening
silence took their place. Time froze and
everyone in the room became blurry to me.
Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. My
eyes locked with Audrey’s. This would be
the first time my raw emotion was released.
I choked on sobs. Audrey said to
her mom, “I told you she would cry”.
The nursing staff encouraged all of Audrey’s family to leave
the hospital…we were told that it would be a while before labor truly kicked in. Are you kidding me? We were not going anywhere! Some
of Audrey’s relatives left and a two of her aunts stayed. We rotated between Audrey’s room and the
waiting room. Audrey was comfortable
with us being by her side during labor.
We gave her space when she needed it but were thrilled to be given the
opportunity to spend those laboring hours with her. My eyes were glued to the monitors and my
favorite place was sitting next to Audrey’s bedside talking her though her
contractions. We shared a lot in those
hours and days; it was intense and beautiful, peaceful and loving, emotional
and exhausting.
Labor was not easy for Audrey…long and hard, painful and
scary. Once again we sat in awe of her
bravery, of her determination, of the love she showed for her son. It was difficult to wait and it was difficult
to watch her go through all of this…we were humbled by her strength.
Chris and I were waiting in the hallway while the nurses
checked in with Audrey one more time. We
knew it was getting close…it was almost time.
The nurses emerged and gave us the thumbs up…it was indeed time. “And”, the nurse said to me, “Audrey is
thinking that she would like to have you in the room during the delivery”. WHAT????
My heart just about jumped out of my chest…I could not believe it. I talked with Audrey and reminded her that
this was her time and wanted her to be sure she really thought about having me
in the room. I did not want her to have
any regrets about her experience, and although being there would be amazing for
me, I wanted her to be sure. She was
sure. I was ecstatic.
Pushing began and when our son entered the world I was
there…next to Audrey…counting, encouraging…taking it all in, memorizing as much
detail as possible, silently praying.
Cheeks ( the name I will use for our sweet boy, in order to
maintain privacy) entered the world with a head full of crazy dark hair, his
first cries made my heart feel things it had not felt before. I tried to take it all in, every last detail…so
much was happening and so very fast. Audrey was still in pain and now new emotions
began to flood her. Audrey’s aunt and I
cut Cheeks umbilical cord together…”cord sisters” we call ourselves. The nurses then moved Cheeks over to the warmer
where they would begin to look him over.
I went to his side…and softly whispered, “welcome to the world
sweetheart”.
There was a flurry of activity. I was still just trying to take in everything
the nurses were saying and doing to Cheeks while still being supportive to
Audrey. This was difficult and Audrey
could already sense that everything had just changed. Everything had just changed.
Audrey wanted her mom to be the first to hold Cheeks. She took him from the warmers and snuggled
him. He was alert, wide awake, taking in
all of these first moments himself. Then
it was time…Cheeks was placed in my arms.
I can’t even write this without crying.
This moment was so powerful, so overwhelming…I knew this was
different. I sat on the couch in the
hospital room, looking into the eyes of a perfect baby boy, and all I could
do was sob. I was holding my son.
On the other side of that hospital room door was Christopher…pacing
back and forth. So much had happened
inside that room that I did not realize how much time he had been waiting out
there. A doctor came in to tell me that
he would love to know what was going on.
Of course he would!! This part of
the experience was very, very hard for Chris.
Although he completely respected Audrey and her need for privacy, it was
hard for him to have missed Cheeks’ birth and to not share those first moments
with me. When I opened the door, he was
there. I sunk into his arms and cried
that Cheeks was perfect. Chris needed to
know that he was healthy. He was.
Cheeks birth day was one heck of a crazy day. Audrey wanted to be surrounded by family and
friends and she encouraged us to have our family come and visit too. So we did. We also went to pick up Addison
from school and brought her to the hospital too. She took everything in, cautiously, she thought
he was cute but our little girl needed more time to figure out how much of her
heart she was willing to give.
That night it was decided that Audrey’s mom would go home
and I would stay with Audrey and Cheeks, and Chris would stay in the waiting
room down the hall. It seems like me
staying with Audrey might be awkward, but it wasn’t. It was natural and almost like a transition
for Cheeks. To be loved and cared for on
your first night of life by the woman, your birth mom, who you have been with
for the past nine months along with the woman who would be your mom, is
something I hope he sees as truly beautiful one day.
The next morning we all woke early. Audrey was feeling better but was tired,
overwhelmed and ready to go home. She
and Cheeks were supposed to stay one more day, but per her request, the
hospital gave the ok to try to release them both that night. WHOA!
It was a crazy day, tests, pictures, family, nurses, doctors…in
and out…and of course Cheeks!
It was time. Everyone
was cleared to go. Leaving the hospital
is such a huge emotional piece of the adoption process, for everyone, but most
especially and significantly for the birth mom/family. It is the first goodbye that Audrey would
need to get through. We knew this would
not be easy.
The counselor from the adoption agency was there. Paper work needed to be filled out,
discussions needed to be had…they had to be sure that this was still what
Audrey wanted, that adoption was still her plan.
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